Life isn't fair sometimes.

Hi guys!

Well this post will be definitely bittersweet to write and for you to read so I'm warning you...

Okay so the beginning of this week I have been feeling a little off and just not in a good mood at all, but I had no clue why until I took a look at my calendar. This is the part that gets a little sad. I realized that this is the week where I lost one of the most important people in my life who I loved very much. She was my mothers aunt, which would make her my second aunt I think. That title never suited what I felt she was to me. For myself the title "mother" fit perfectly because that's what she was to me, a second mother. Of course I already have and love my own real mom very very much so my aunt was a second mother. Anyways today March 14th (2009) is the day she ended up in the hospital and the 17th was when she passed away. I always feel like the 14th was when I lost her so I don't hold the 17th to be the official day, but that's just me.

Me and her on New Years 2008

Life just sucks and it just goes to show that nothing is permanent and everything can change in a single moment. I don't like death but at least it isn't that complicated...death is death and it's definite and permanent, but life is complicated because it throws  you around and it's never constant which is something that just isn't fair. Why give us things and then take it back without letting us have a say in it? I'll ask myself this and so many other questions that it all leaves me with the same thing...no answer. 

I wish I could explain the bond me and my aunt had but it was something so special and rare that can't be expressed so much in words. The worst part of losing her was knowing and believing that the kind of love she had for me was something that I would never feel again. She loved me unconditionally and freely that it didn't matter what I did she would never be angry with me. The other part of living without her was learning how to and it's the most difficult thin I've had to do in my entire life so far. How do you learn to live without someone that you need in order to live? It felt like I was a bird...a new born bird that had to have it's mother for everything because it was vulnerable and couldn't fly yet. Then suddenly the mother bird is taken away from the new born before it was able to learn how to fly, that's what happened  to me. She was gone before I learned how to fly. I still needed her but of course life doesn't care what you need or want, it does what it does. 

There isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't cross my mind. It's almost natural now to miss her but it still hurts just the same. I don't think anyone realizes just how much her death has effected me. I have accepted it because you have to but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it...I'm not and I never will be. Life goes on and I get that I really do, it just isn't easy to be happy in a life that is missing something that should be there and isn't. It's like having a puzzle and one piece goes missing, can the puzzle be complete without it? No it can't. It will never be the same because it's missing a part that has to be there in order for it to be complete. Doesn't mean that I'll be miserable forever or I'm unhappy now, I'm just unhappy with what life does sometimes and it's something that I deal with constantly. I love my aunt and it's her I'll always miss. And no matter how much time passes the wounds will always be there. 

No amount of time can make this hurt any less. 

-Mar